Page 66 - issue
P. 66
SHALOM can’t help saying around for a few hours can make a big
mean things about difference. And please don’t worry about
him – to him and to how fair or unfair it is to do this. The
everyone else. I am family needs this, and you need it to get
losing my respect on your feet. Everyone will benefit from a
for him and often more manageable situation.
think of leaving.
What stops me is When the children complain about
the thought of being what they don’t have – and you realize
on my own with the that you may be doing the same thing –
kids, which would take a few minutes together and list five
things each of you feels grateful for. You’d
BAYIS even be worse. be surprised with what everyone can
BY AVIVA WEISBORD, PH.D. I have two ques- come up, with and the exercise will inject
a positive note into their lives. Do this
tions: Can I ask once or twice a week and see how many
for financial help items accumulate on those lists.
against his wishes?
I would also like to suggest that, in
Where can I get terms of being the director of Camp
Mom, you lower your standards a bit.
some guidance on The children don’t need you every
minute of every day; one or two inex-
DEAR DR. WEISBORD, how to manage my life and be happy and pensive outings a week is a lot more
than zero! Right now, you’re caught in a
I am very overwhelmed. This happens make my kids happy? vicious cycle. You have no energy to play
with the children, then you feel inade-
to me every summer when the kids are SNOWED UNDER IN SUMMER quate and overwhelmed, so you have
less energy to do anything at all. Start
out of school. I don’t come from a frum small and stay small – but start, if you
can.
family, and grew up in a two-child, calm
Of course, I saved the major item for
and organized home. It is very hard for DEAR SNOWED UNDER, last: Your relationship with your hus-
band needs some care and attention.
me to deal with the chaos, noise, and Anyone reading your letter will feel Don’t worry if your husband won’t join
you. Speak with a rav or rebbetzin with
mess of six children under the age of 11. overwhelmed along with you! You have whom you’re comfortable and get some
of the toxic stuff out of your system.
I do okay during the year, but when the your hands full, and while you might be You can also get guidance about seek-
ing financial relief. In addition – and
children are home all the time, it’s grateful for your children and the roof you undoubtedly know this already –
please avoid badmouthing your hus-
extremely difficult. I really, really need over your head and food to eat, every- band or your circumstances. Your chil-
dren depend on you to learn how to
those few hours to myself, when they’re where you turn confronts you with a deal with difficult situations. Instead of
handing them the “we can’t afford it”
in school, but it’s not possible. We can’t challenge or a problem. It seems to me refrain, you can say, “That sounds great.
Let’s see if we can manage that” or “It
afford to send the children to camp. that you actually are more than over- doesn’t look likely right now, but let’s
keep it in mind.” The point is to hold
Since most of the other children in the whelmed; you sound depressed, too back from hammering at the negative in
their lives and to help them deal with
neighborhood are in camp, my kids depressed, as you say it, to “have the their situation in a healthy way.
spend the day around the house, getting energy” to do camp-like things with the As we all know, taking the first step is
the hardest part of making a journey. I
bored and fighting with each other. I children or to clean your house. The urge you to dig deep within yourself and
take that first step, for your own sake
know I could go places and do creative mess you describe is a sign of the and for the sake of your family.◆
projects with them, but I don’t have the “messy” feelings you have right now and
energy. The house is a mess. It’s impossi- the hopelessness that currently engulfs
ble to make order, and even when I do, it you.
falls apart in a few minutes. While it would be easy, and even fun,
The children ask for toys and new to give you a list of things to do with the
clothing and shoes, like “everyone” else, children, I have a feeling seeing a bunch
and I am always telling them we can’t of good ideas would just sink you deep-
afford it. The kids feel that other people er into your sad state. So it looks like we
have so much more than we do. I sug- need to start with you! Your first step is
gested to my husband to ask Ahavas to call Jewish Community Services and
Yisrael for help, but he will not. He is way arrange to meet with a counselor or ther-
too proud. He works but doesn’t earn a apist who can help you start moving
lot and believes people should be happy emotionally, getting past the paralyzing
with little. We have a roof over our heads, negativity you are now experiencing.
food to eat, and clothes to wear, he says, They offer a serious sliding scale, along
and that’s enough. He is happy, but I am with very qualified therapists. Next, I
not. I want to go for marriage counseling, would suggest sending one or two chil-
but of course, we can’t afford that either. dren for two or three weeks to a back-
I am very angry at my husband, and I yard camp. Having even one less child
62 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
mean things about difference. And please don’t worry about
him – to him and to how fair or unfair it is to do this. The
everyone else. I am family needs this, and you need it to get
losing my respect on your feet. Everyone will benefit from a
for him and often more manageable situation.
think of leaving.
What stops me is When the children complain about
the thought of being what they don’t have – and you realize
on my own with the that you may be doing the same thing –
kids, which would take a few minutes together and list five
things each of you feels grateful for. You’d
BAYIS even be worse. be surprised with what everyone can
BY AVIVA WEISBORD, PH.D. I have two ques- come up, with and the exercise will inject
a positive note into their lives. Do this
tions: Can I ask once or twice a week and see how many
for financial help items accumulate on those lists.
against his wishes?
I would also like to suggest that, in
Where can I get terms of being the director of Camp
Mom, you lower your standards a bit.
some guidance on The children don’t need you every
minute of every day; one or two inex-
DEAR DR. WEISBORD, how to manage my life and be happy and pensive outings a week is a lot more
than zero! Right now, you’re caught in a
I am very overwhelmed. This happens make my kids happy? vicious cycle. You have no energy to play
with the children, then you feel inade-
to me every summer when the kids are SNOWED UNDER IN SUMMER quate and overwhelmed, so you have
less energy to do anything at all. Start
out of school. I don’t come from a frum small and stay small – but start, if you
can.
family, and grew up in a two-child, calm
Of course, I saved the major item for
and organized home. It is very hard for DEAR SNOWED UNDER, last: Your relationship with your hus-
band needs some care and attention.
me to deal with the chaos, noise, and Anyone reading your letter will feel Don’t worry if your husband won’t join
you. Speak with a rav or rebbetzin with
mess of six children under the age of 11. overwhelmed along with you! You have whom you’re comfortable and get some
of the toxic stuff out of your system.
I do okay during the year, but when the your hands full, and while you might be You can also get guidance about seek-
ing financial relief. In addition – and
children are home all the time, it’s grateful for your children and the roof you undoubtedly know this already –
please avoid badmouthing your hus-
extremely difficult. I really, really need over your head and food to eat, every- band or your circumstances. Your chil-
dren depend on you to learn how to
those few hours to myself, when they’re where you turn confronts you with a deal with difficult situations. Instead of
handing them the “we can’t afford it”
in school, but it’s not possible. We can’t challenge or a problem. It seems to me refrain, you can say, “That sounds great.
Let’s see if we can manage that” or “It
afford to send the children to camp. that you actually are more than over- doesn’t look likely right now, but let’s
keep it in mind.” The point is to hold
Since most of the other children in the whelmed; you sound depressed, too back from hammering at the negative in
their lives and to help them deal with
neighborhood are in camp, my kids depressed, as you say it, to “have the their situation in a healthy way.
spend the day around the house, getting energy” to do camp-like things with the As we all know, taking the first step is
the hardest part of making a journey. I
bored and fighting with each other. I children or to clean your house. The urge you to dig deep within yourself and
take that first step, for your own sake
know I could go places and do creative mess you describe is a sign of the and for the sake of your family.◆
projects with them, but I don’t have the “messy” feelings you have right now and
energy. The house is a mess. It’s impossi- the hopelessness that currently engulfs
ble to make order, and even when I do, it you.
falls apart in a few minutes. While it would be easy, and even fun,
The children ask for toys and new to give you a list of things to do with the
clothing and shoes, like “everyone” else, children, I have a feeling seeing a bunch
and I am always telling them we can’t of good ideas would just sink you deep-
afford it. The kids feel that other people er into your sad state. So it looks like we
have so much more than we do. I sug- need to start with you! Your first step is
gested to my husband to ask Ahavas to call Jewish Community Services and
Yisrael for help, but he will not. He is way arrange to meet with a counselor or ther-
too proud. He works but doesn’t earn a apist who can help you start moving
lot and believes people should be happy emotionally, getting past the paralyzing
with little. We have a roof over our heads, negativity you are now experiencing.
food to eat, and clothes to wear, he says, They offer a serious sliding scale, along
and that’s enough. He is happy, but I am with very qualified therapists. Next, I
not. I want to go for marriage counseling, would suggest sending one or two chil-
but of course, we can’t afford that either. dren for two or three weeks to a back-
I am very angry at my husband, and I yard camp. Having even one less child
62 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
