Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
A couple of issues ago, you answered a question from Biting My Tongue, who was unhappy that that her son and his wife are “conscious of the `good life,’ and like to buy fashionable clothing, expensive furniture, and hi-tech gadgets..It seems that their life and their conversations now revolve around money.”
I don’t know if it was my mother who wrote the letter, but it could have been. I would like to say to her that, while she might think that she’s biting her tongue, her message is coming through loud and clear. What she doesn’t say in words, she says in disapproving looks. It is so unpleasant that it is actually damaging my self-confidence. Every time we go there, my wife and I have some sort of argument. We feel small and bad, as though we’re doing something terribly wrong.
I admit that our lifestyle is not the same as that of my parents. But I am a grown man, and entitled to my choices. My parents were good parents and tried to bring us up with their values, but my wife and I have chosen a different course – not vastly different, but a little different. We spend more on luxuries, but for big questions, including how to raise our children, we consult our rabbi. He may not be our parents’ rabbi, but he is someone we respect and who gives us good guidance.
We’re at the point where we would like to cut back a lot on our visits. Distancing selves from the family seems like a drastic thing to do, but we are trying to protect our own essence. We are bringing up our children the way we want to, and we don’t want our parents to undermine us – although they haven’t yet done that. Do you think that this is an appropriate move? Or is there an alternative? All I want is for my mother to respect me, even if I am not exactly what she wanted me to be.
All Grown Up
