Where What When

Why is it hard to find girls who want to go out with me?

Ask the Shadchan

A Shidduch Question

I am in college and will be a professional within a couple of years. Yet it is hard to find girls who want to go out with me. I have heard of yeshiva boys who have a long list of girls. As soon as they finish going out with one, they immediately go on to the next girl. I have a yeshiva background, am kovea itim, and I think I am intelligent, friendly, and considerate. Why is it that the girls all seem to want the exact same thing - a boy in yeshiva? I personally know of boys who are in the yeshiva only so they can have access to lots of girls. Then, soon after they get married, they go to work. Sometimes it seems that it is all part the "resume" game. Why don't the girls think for themselves what kind of a person they really want? Whatever happened to the old-fashioned idea that you should really like the person and not just his lifestyle? But the main question for me, right now, is where can I find a girl who will appreciate me?

A Shadchan's Answer

by Mashe Katz

Before I answer your question, there is one statement I must comment on, and that is your impression that some boys are in yeshiva just to marry the right type of girl. If true, this, to me, is not being honest, and is against how Torah is meant to be learned. Without going into a mussar shmooze, this issue is covered in Pirkei Avos, in the seventh mishna, which says that Torah is not to be used in any manner which is not based on kedusha.

Now to your question: In the climate we live in today, we know that a high percentage of girls want to marry someone who is learning. How much of this is "keeping up with the Joneses," and how much is personal conviction, none of us have a right to judge. This climate definitely affects you in your situation, but do not despair. There are many frum, balabatishe young women who are looking for someone like you. The question is, as you mention, where do you find them?

They are young ladies who have finished seminary (or who have never gone) and are in the work force. They are girls who are mature enough to know what they want. However, just because they are looking for a "working boy," this does not mean that they are not committed to a true Torah lifestyle, They want to get married because of the values that have been upheld for generations and not to impress anyone else. Keep your eyes open. You may find them at a Shabbos table, through friends and relatives, or through many of Baltimore's shadchanim. Some may be younger, some a little older than you, but they want a home based on Torah and mitzvos, where the husband is the primary wage earner and they can devote a good portion of their time raising children, doing maasim tovim, and accepting leadership in the Jewish community.

Some of these young women are also professionals and present themselves as such. While you say that you plan to be a professional in a few years, do you present yourself professionally as well? These girls are often looking for young men who are clean cut and put together. Still, they will in no way compromise in limud hatorah and mitzva observance on the part of the husband.

You say - and I believe you - that you are kovea itim leTorah. Do learn in a bais medrash, in a shiur, or in a private setting? Our acquaintances are the ones who give feedback to potential matches about character, mitzva observance, and learning. If someone calls a friend of yours who they may know, will this friend be aware that you are kovea itim? I strongly advise that, if you do not already frequent a kollel, a bais medrash or a shul, where you can be noticed as someone who takes his learning seriously, you should begin to do so.

Above all, you must be honest with yourself and with the girl that you wish to marry. I, personally, will not make a shidduch for anyone who is not completely honest in the presentation of himself/herself, because in the long run I feel that a marriage without these two essential criteria - truth and sincerity - will have fundamental problems. Know who you are and the type of home you want to build with your bashert.

Hatzlacha rabba in finding your zivug in the very near future.

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Article List - November 2009