Where What When

A Career of Chesed

Chesed in our Daily Lives

Chesed is the word for acts of human kindness. It could mean visiting the sick, clothing the needy, hosting guests, doing favors, comforting mourners, and a whole list of other acts of kindness.

The Sages say that the very act of God’s creation was chesed, in that God designated others as the object of His kindness. Therefore, when we perform acts of chesed, we are fulfilling our uniquely human potential, “created in the image of God.”

Chesed as a profession seems to lack a glamorous public image, partly because of the popular notion that helping others is for suckers. Is it a coincidence that books with titles like Winning Through Intimidation and Looking Out for #1 become best-sellers?

A refined expression of this view was voiced by the Roman governor Tyrannus Rufus, who asked, “If God loves the poor, why doesn’t He feed them?” Rabbi Akiva answered: “In order that through them we should be saved from the judgment of the after world.”

Tyrannus assumed that the purpose of charity is to care for society’s needs, and it would have been simpler if God had not created any needs in the first place. But Rabbi Akiva explained that God commanded chesed for the doer’s benefit, as a necessary component of spiritual growth. As Rabbi Yerucham Levovitz said, it is not because we have parents that we are told “Honor your father and mother”; on the contrary, because our souls need the mitzva of honoring, therefore the Almighty created parents.

Attitude Adjustment

The true joy of chesed comes only when you offer it without expecting anything in return, including gratitude. Too many idealists turn sour by unconsciously adopting an after-all-I-did-for-them approach, forgetting that true appreciation is as rare as it is precious. So make your choice: If you want your hand licked, go into the dog-food business. But if you seek the image of G-d, then be like Him: Do kindness knowing that most people will not be very grateful for it, and consider the exceptions as an unexpected bonus. (When is the last time you yourself were properly appreciative to G-d, anyway?)

Consider a woman who has devoted her life to taking needy orphans into her home, raising them from infancy to adulthood, investing time, effort, and many thousands of dollars to bring them up as loyal Jews and happy human beings. Can anyone’s life be more worthwhile, or more deserving of reward in this world and the next?

Now consider the mother who gives the same devotion and effort to children who are equally needy, but who happen to have been born to her. The acts of kindness are identical. What about the rewards?

Every person ends up doing chesed... in many ways. But since while acting he does not think in terms of doing chesed, it does not have the value of this Divine attribute... and without the feelings, the act has no relation to the soul.... This is not to say that doing kindness without thinking goes unrewarded, or that we should refrain from doing chesed until we develop the proper attitudes. But since you do acts of chesed anyway, why not receive full dividends from your investment?

King David writes in Psalms: “Happy [is one] who does charity at all times.” This refers to one who takes care of his own sons and daughters” (Talmud, Ketubot 50a). When saying “good morning” or passing the salt, when cooking or cleaning or teaching or consoling, add the ingredient that elevates your routine activity to a higher plane of living: thinking the thought that you are sustaining the creation and cleaving to the Creator by doing chesed with His children.

Tips and Techniques

Kindness has been aptly described as “giving yourself away to others,” but Rabbi Yisroel Salanter defined chesed as involving something more: doing what the other person desires.

To illustrate: Picture a boy in a dormitory who is the proud owner of a bag of fresh fruit, and who philanthropically offers to share it with his roommate. The roommate, hungry but independent, wants the fruit but insists on paying for his share. The benevolent first boy wouldn’t dream of making a profit from his good friend, and refuses to take the money – and the roommate goes hungry.

The science of chesed is to ascertain what it is each person truly wants, and not to force a second helping on your guest when his heart’s desire is to leave in time to catch his train. The art of chesed is learning how to follow through with style, doing kindness with warmth and discretion, and without causing embarrassment to the recipient. The greatness of our father Abraham was not only that he fed hungry travelers, but that he also bowed to them, making the needy feel Abraham needed them....

How will the study of other people’s desires enhance your chesed activities? Let us demonstrate with a few examples taken from the mitzva of hachnasat orchim, hospitality to guests:

* Getting there is half the fun: Learn to give precise directions that can be followed easily by a first-time visitor: “After leaving the park, the bus turns right at Sam’s Pharmacy; get off at the third stop and cross the intersection diagonally.” Count the number of houses from your home to a recognizable landmark (“We’re fourth from the corner”) and identify your home’s exterior (“Green with a white picket fence”). House numbers should be clearly visible and illuminated at night, and your name should be on the door or doorbell. If your bell is out of order, fix it.

* Guestrooms: Not everyone can offer luxury, but it is a poor host indeed who cannot give a bit of privacy. Remove from the room in advance everything you might conceivably need; it’s no fun being disturbed at 6 a.m. because Yanki’s swim trunks are in the guest room closet. Locks on the bedroom and bathroom doors to be used by guests should work, and preferably be testable from the inside, rather than the push button type, which leaves your guests guessing whether they will be suddenly invaded at any moment.

You will of course stock the room with towels, fruit, drinking cups, tissues, shelf or drawer space, hangers and closet space, reading material, a wastebasket and an alarm clock (lighted dial if possible). Without their having to ask, you will provide or tell the visitors where to find soap, toothpaste, shoe polish, and brushes for shoes, clothes, and hats. A nice touch is to make available a thermos filled with hot or cold drink (with directions for refilling), a toothbrush (travelers sometimes forget their own), writing paper, envelopes, and stamps.

* Bearings: Every house has its rules, and guests feel uncomfortable not knowing just what they are. If you wish your guests to feel free to use your library or refrigerator, tell them so. Let them know the times for meals, and when it is convenient to take showers. Inform them in advance whether their presence is expected when Aunt Millie drops in.

Make a note of quirks in your home which you take for granted, and let visitors know about the reversed cold and hot water taps, the electric socket which does not function when the light switch is off, and the shower or bath which operates only if one knows the secret combination. Many a guest has been given a house key and then been locked out because “I forgot to show you how to jiggle it.”

* Children: Adult visitors realize they must adjust their normal schedules to fit those of their hosts; children do not. Ask your guests what time their small children normally eat and sleep, and allow them to follow their routine. Every home should possess a few toys and children’s books, and it is worthwhile to keep an extra baby bottle and pack of disposable diapers on hand as well. The true artist of hosting guests might do even more: Arriving one exhausting Friday afternoon for a weekend visit in another city, one young mother found that her host had already arranged for a babysitter to feed and bathe the children while the visitors rested and prepared for Shabbat.

* Meals: There are few areas in which hosts try so hard and err so badly as in preparing and serving meals, so the best place to hang up Rabbi Yisroel Salanter’s definition (“chesed is what the other person wants”) is in the kitchen. If dinner guests wish to ruin your entrecote poelee basquaise by drowning it in ketchup – let them. Do not allow your passion for natural foods to deprive others of their accustomed sugar, salt, or soft drinks. Avoid serving exotic dishes unless meat-and-potatoes alternatives are also available. Water or other cold beverages should be on the table in generous supply from the beginning of the meal on. And it goes without saying that one never comments on a guest’s appetite, or the lack of it.

Creative Kindness

The more we learn to recognize other people’s individual physical and emotional needs, the more we come to empathize with them, to “carry the yoke with one’s friend” – a quality which is so much a part of the Torah personality. This quality can in turn inspire us to seek out new areas of chesed, each of us according to our personal inclinations and opportunities. For instance, upon leaving home tomorrow you might make it a point to:

* Be prompt for appointments

* Say “good morning” to bus drivers and clerks

* Speak distinctly

* Allow others to finish their sentences without interruption

* Allow the other person to have the last word in the conversation

* Permit the lady behind you in the supermarket line to go first, when she has three items and you have 30

* Say “thank you” when the clerk gives you your change

* Not speed up your walk to pass an elderly person who will thereby be reminded of his infirmity

* Whisper a prayer for an acquaintance’s well-being when you pass her house, and

* Upon your arrival at home to find the phone ringing, answer with the cheerful voice of a trained airline attendant

You could write a book filled with little, often overlooked, practical examples of daily chesed – and why not do so?

And if we keep at it long enough, perhaps we will someday achieve the greatness of being able to put up with the people all around us, and to accept them as they are.

Excerpted from In Search of the Jewish Woman, by Rabbi Yisroel Miller, with permission of Feldheim Publishers, www.feldheimpublishers.com

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Article List - December 2005