Where What When

Shalom Bayis

Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,

My parents offered us money to buy a van that we will need in order to do carpools after our baby is born. The offer triggered a recurrent argument with my husband. He very much values his (our) independence. He feels that we should live within his means, whatever that is, barring some sort of crisis. We really cannot afford a late-model van on our own. So my husband said we can get an older one (which will likely break down often) or drop off the baby at a neighbor when I have to do carpool drives. I guess those are options, but they will be my burden, since I do most of the carpools. I don’t see what’s wrong with accepting a lovingly given gift. My husband has enough experience with my parents to know that there will be no strings attached; he just doesn’t like the general feeling of obligation that any gift entails. But isn’t that feeling of obligation what makes for family togetherness and “being there” for each other?

Interdependent

Dear Interdependent,

I can understand your husband’s sense of independence and his determination to live within your means. Yet this van would make your life so much easier. Along with the reasons you mentioned – worry about breakdowns and having to drop off the baby – a late model car is safer than an old one, an important consideration. I’m sure that this was one of the things your parents had in mind. Would it be possible to point out this safety feature to your husband? This might be something that he could identify with.

As far as family togetherness, every family should have the good feeling of doing for each other. You say that your husband knows that there will not be any “strings” attached to this gift, yet he still feels threatened. Maybe he has had bad experiences in the past when getting gifts. Reading your letter, however, another thing struck me. Perhaps part of the problem is your husband’s low self-esteem. When a person has a sense of worth, he does not feel such an oppressive sense of obligation because of a freely given gift. He knows who he is and will look at such a matana not as a statement about his capabilities but as a proof of how much his in-laws care for his family.

Please mention to your husband that Rabbi Dessler had a special take on this situation. He wrote that there’s a great difference between being a recipient and a taker. Most people want to be givers, but a person has to be able to receive from others, too. With the right kavana (intention), a recipient can also be a giver. By accepting what is given, he gives another human being the opportunity to do the mitzva of giving. And in this way, he is doing a great chesed. If your husband could look at the gift in this way, it might help him accept it as an expression of love and devotion.

Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,

I’m a young girl, and I just got engaged. My parents are not well to do, but they have saved up about $15,000 for my wedding. I don’t particularly want a big wedding. Since they have this money put aside for me, I asked them if they would make a bare-bones wedding for about 50 people and give us the rest in cash, so we could get a head start on our life. We could use it for a down payment on a house or other important things. My parents were horrified. They want to invite their friends and also don’t want to go against the tide of what a wedding is “supposed to be.” With all the talk about the huge expenses in our community, why does everyone just keep copying each other and doing the same old thing?

Looking to the Future

Dear Looking to the Future,

It is the greatest pleasure in the world for parents to take their daughter down to the chupa. This is what they planned for, what they saved up for, what they have dreamed of ever since you were a little girl. I don’t think it’s a matter of copying other people. For your parents, this wedding will be an expression of love and joy, and they want to share it with their friends. Yes, it is your wedding – and your feelings should be taken into consideration on some of the details – but I feel that the basic decision belongs to them.

By the way, you’d be surprised at the costs. For $15,000, it can’t be more than a bare bones wedding. Still, there may be ways to cut down even more. Instead of having 300 people, have 150. Instead of having a big smorgasbord before the wedding, invite fewer people and have them all to the dinner, with no smorgasbord. The most important thing is to keep in mind that this is your parents’ desire and their joy; don’t sour it for them.

There’s something else: When a young couple begins their married life in the midst of music and people, all wishing them well, it buoys them up, and the experience stays with them for the rest of their lives. The tremendous uplift they get from the warm blessings of those present is undeniable, and helps them build their bayis ne’eman beyisrael. May you enjoy your wedding, and may you have many happy years with your chassan.

To Trusting No More: Your pain and bitterness are just shouting to be heard. Would you be willing to meet with me in person? Please call 410-486-0322.

Purim Is Coming!

Purim is just around the corner, and I would like to offer my wonderful readers and friends an alternative. How about forgoing the labor-intensive shalach manos that so many of you send, and instead give a tax-deductible donation to Bikur Cholim? This will fulfill the mitzva of matanos la’evyonim and keep a lot of chametz away just four weeks before Pesach! Thanks for considering this. Please send your donation to Bikur Cholim, 398 Mt. Wilson Lane, Baltimore, 21208. This is a win-win situation, which will most benefit people in need in our community.

Reb. Chana Weinberg

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Article List - February 2007