Where What When

Making Your Marriage Better

When you are experiencing pain or frustration in your marriage, what do you do?

a) Ignore it and live with it

b) Wait until it gets unbearable and end your relationship

c) Ask for help

I am hoping you chose “c,” although, from my observation of couples, both in and out of my office, I imagine “a” or “b” to be the more popular choices. While our first instinct upon encountering conflict is to fight or run, doing so causes us to miss out on a wonderful gift for ourselves and our relationship.

R. Mordechai Yosef of Izhbitz (Mei HaShiloach vol.2, parshas Shemos) – commenting on the verse “And the Children of Israel groaned because of the work and they cried out, and their outcry because of the work went up to G-d.” (Shemos 2:23) – explains that only when the Bnai Yisrael cried out to G-d, did the redemption begin. Until that point, they felt no motivation (hisorrerus) to pray. But since G-d wanted to save them, He had to awaken the motivation, for when one is compelled to shout out to G-d, that is the beginning of that person’s salvation.

I think this provides a valuable perspective. Instead of sinking into despair, feeling resentful, or looking for a way out, let us view marital conflict as an opportunity from Hashem, a not-so-gentle reminder that there is a lack of connection and our marriage needs to become a priority.

Young Divorces

I have been increasingly alarmed by the number of divorces in the frum community by young married couples. I have heard of two in the past week. I can’t possibly generalize or pass judgment on a couple that gets divorced. Each case is different, and there may be valid reasons. Based on my experience working with couples, however, I think it is way too easy to call it quits. The notion that a relationship requires work is being lost in our quick-fix society with its all-too-perfect expectations. The unwritten assumption is that you can get married, and if things don’t go as planned you can end it and find someone else.

We work so hard to make shidduchim and get people married, yet we do not adequately prepare them for what lies ahead: how to be married. While information about gender differences can be helpful, if all we are taught is to decode our spouse’s “language” and try not to get upset, not only will we begin to resent our spouse, we will also miss out on an incredible healing opportunity.

Regardless of your opinion about the shidduch process, I believe that if you felt strongly enough about your chassan or kalla to make the commitment of marriage, there is enough to work with to build a healthy loving relationship, barring the few exceptions.

Finding the Tools

I always tell singles that no marriage is perfect; there will always be challenges. But tools exist that can help you manage whatever comes your way and leave you feeling more connected in the process. Having faith that help is available makes it easier for singles to overcome the fear of commitment. This applies all the more so for young couples contemplating divorce. We must stress to such couples that effective help should be pursued at all costs before making decisions that will affect not only the couple but also their children.

It breaks my heart to see these couples, because I know how much better it can be. With all the hype surrounding dating, engagement, and the wedding, couples can’t imagine that marriage could be anything but amazing. Yet, we all inevitably wake up one day and wonder what happened to the person we married. Pregnancy, birth, and small children can be very stressful as well. The good news is that if couples learn the right skills, they can live a more fulfilling life together.

So why is it that couples have such a hard time getting help to make their marriage better – especially in a community like Baltimore, which is so invested in growth? Beyond any taboos about counseling, I think there is tremendous embarrassment in admitting that something is wrong with us. Even though we have come a long way in being open about “at risk” youth, it is harder to deal with our marriage, because there is no one else to blame. It is a lot easier to make do with a less-than-satisfactory relationship and pretend everything is okay. It requires a lot of humility and courage to acknowledge that things could be better.

Couples who choose to remain in a marriage that is miserable or merely dull and disappointing have other obstacles that prevent them from seeking help. They may have obtained some relief by learning to live emotionally apart. They may think counseling is only for couples with “real problems” like abuse, imminent divorce, etc. This reminds me of something my mother always said: “The people that don’t get help are the ones with the problems.” You do not have to be in acute crisis to go to marriage counseling.

Finally, even those who are courageous enough to admit they need help don’t look for it because they think nothing works. Marriage counseling does not have the best reputation, and they may be afraid their marriage will actually get worse. How can we possibly solve our differences? Will the therapist take my spouse’s side?

Safe and Effective

Fortunately, there is a safer form of couples therapy that does work. I know because I do it with my wife and my clients, and I have seen positive results. It is called Imago relationship therapy, and it has been around for over 25 years. Imago is a modality of couples therapy, much as cognitive behavioral therapy or psychoanalysis are modalities for individual therapy. Imago teaches couples how to be “in relationship.” They learn concrete communication skills to defuse conflict, heal ruptures, and create a fulfilling marriage.

Many couples’ problems are rooted in misunderstood, manipulated, or avoided communications. The core skill of Imago is the “intentional dialogue,” which can restructure the way you talk to each other, so that what you say to each other is mirrored back to you, validated, and empathized with. You can use the dialogue to tell each other all about your hurts, to state your frustrations clearly, and to articulate exactly what you need from each other in order to heal. This process allows one to be truly heard. When we start to listen and realize that our spouse’s frustrations are not all about “me” and what I’ve done, then we become less threatened and are more able to hear them. This inevitably leads to positive changes in the relationship, where both parties actually want to give to each other.

I work with Imago exclusively, because I have seen it save marriages. This summer, I had the privilege of assisting at an Imago couples workshop in Monsey and was amazed to see 20 frum couples, from Teaneck to Monroe, courageously working on their relationship in a public setting! Were some of them a little scared or embarrassed? I imagine so. But their relationship was more important to them than any possible shame from attending this workshop. What moved me the most was the realization that all of us are human and struggle in our relationships. Our community is not immune from the need for this work.

It is never too late to improve your marriage. If not for yourself, do it for your kids. When the Gemara (Sota 17a) says that a couple can merit the Shechina in their relationship, it doesn’t happen by chance. It requires work and it can be done. Things really can be better.

Rabbi Slatkin is an LGPC and Certified Imago Relationship Therapist practicing with Pastoral Counseling and Consultation Centers of Greater Washington, serving clients in the Baltimore area. He specializes in working with couples and families and is available for speaking engagements. For more information go to: www.jewishmarriagecounseling.com or call 202-449-3789 x706.

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Article List - January 2007