Where What When

An Avoidable Tragedy

Dor Yesharim - Test Early

It is over. Our dreams and hopes, smashed with one phone call. Just like that. We spent the next three nights on the phone. We held out hope and talked about the medical options but finally realized they were unrealistic. As the truth sank in, there was disbelief, then denial and anger, and finally crying and crying. We are devastated.

This is a quote from a young man in our community after finding out from Dor Yeshorim that he and the girl he had been seriously dating were “incompatible.” What a shock! The pain of the young couple and their families is hard to describe. It will take a long time for them to recover. In some ways, they may never recover. Although we as a community cannot help them in their private grief, perhaps we can do something to spare other young people this traumatic experience.

Dor Yeshorim was set up to help our community avoid the lifetime effects of bearing a child with certain devastating genetic illnesses. Diseases like Tay Sachs, cystic fibrosis, and others can only be passed on to the children if both parents are “carriers” of the disease gene. If only one parent is a carrier, the children will not have the disease. Approximately one in five Ashkenazic Jews are carriers for one of the diseases in the standard Dor Yeshorim panel. The point of Dor Yeshorim is to ensure that two carriers of the same disease do not unknowingly marry each other, thus risking the birth of affected babies.

The system devised by Dor Yeshorim, in consultation with daas Torah, is well designed. It protects the privacy and anonymity of individuals. Men and women in our community generally have their blood tested before they start to date, and are given a number. When they date someone, they make one simple phone call to submit their numbers to Dor Yeshorim. Within a day, they are told whether the two numbers are compatible or incompatible. If incompatible, they have a one-in-four chance for each pregnancy of bearing a child with the disease as a result of the incompatibility.

The system works well, but we are sabotaging it, as is evident from the case above. This couple is not unusual in neglecting the phone call to Dor Yeshorim.

What should dating singles do? Obviously, the right time to check compatibility is before the first date. It is not difficult to make the phone call, and it only takes a day to get the answer. Why risk getting emotionally involved with someone if there is the slightest chance that the couple will be incompatible? Right?

Wrong! For some reason, many people have relegated the testing for genetic compatibility to the last thing that they do before they get engaged. Why? Here are some of the reasons:

• We don’t have any of those diseases in our family, so why bother to do it now.

• This girl/boy probably won’t be the right one anyway.

• If I ask for the Dor Yeshorim numbers to be checked before they go out, maybe the other side will think there is something wrong with me.

• It’s not “done” before the first date, so people will think we’re too cautious or rigid or lacking in emuna (faith).

• I can’t find my number right now and I don’t want to make a big fuss about something that can be done later.

• The shadchan will check for us.

• The other side will misconstrue our request for a number as a sign of commitment.

A typical scenario goes like this: Chani and Yossi, with their parents’ approval, decide to go out on a date. The thought of checking for Dor Yeshorim compatibility does not even enter any of their minds. Nobody they know has ever been told they were incompatible. They go out once. Yossi has a great time but Chani is not sure if she really likes him. She agrees to go out a second time just to be sure. That night, Yossi’s parents remember that they forgot to check the Dor Yeshorim numbers. Yossi cannot do it now, because if he does, Chani will think he is very serious about her and might be scared off; he has heard from the shadchan that she was not enthusiastic.

They go out the second time, and Chani changes her mind; she wants to continue dating. After the second date, her parents mention that they really should call the shadchan to get Yossi’s Dor Yeshorim number and check compatibility. This time, she does not want to mention it, because maybe Yossi will think she is very serious, and if he is not equally committed, that would be embarrassing.

Things continue to go well, with the two daters engrossed in their emotions. Finally, after 10 dates, Yossi feels ready to pop the question. He asks the shadchan to ask Chani if she is ready to go on to the next step. Yes, Chani is excited. And then Yossi’s father asks, “Did you ever check Dor Yeshorim? You had better do that before you get engaged!”

Well, 99-out-of-100 times the only consequence to their neglect is a day or two delay in announcing the engagement. The answer will be “compatible” and nobody will have to think about Dor Yeshorim again. The young couple will go on to the lechaim, the wedding, and hopefully a happy life together.

But what about the one-out-of-100 couples who will hear the answer they don’t want to hear. What pain! What anguish! What dashing of hope!

There really is no reason for this to ever happen to anyone. Postponing that necessary call to Dor Yeshorim is just a rut that we have all gotten into but that must be changed. Is it possible that Baltimore, home of other shidduch innovations, can be the community to change this way of doing things?

Changing our mindset on when to check Dor Yeshorim numbers has to be a communal effort, because people are reluctant to do anything different, especially when it comes to the sensitive parsha of shidduchim. But if it becomes par-for-the-course to check Dor Yeshorim numbers before the first date – if parents remind their children and shadchanim remind the parents – the whole stigma of doing so will be removed. It will become a routine part of the general research about a prospective shidduch.

Can we do this for the sake of the one out of 100 couples that will suffer such anguish? Maybe the thought that, sometimes, “everybody else” turns out to be “me” will help our community take the step that could save families from this pain.

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Article List - June 2006