Shalom Bayis

by Rebbetzin Chana Weinberg

Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,

A few years ago, our family made aliya to a community in Israel that is much more religious than our old one in the States. As a result of the schools and yeshivas here, some of my children have become more right wing, while others remain shomer Shabbos but more middle-of-the-road. (I have some married children and some single ones.) I also started to cover my hair and dress more modestly. Unfortunately, all the changes have caused friction in the family. My husband dislikes my hats and sheitel, and he is not happy that our youngest son decided to stay in yeshiva. However, I’m more upset about my married son’s reaction. He lashed out at his younger brother for spending time in yeshiva instead of finishing college, and at me for encouraging him. He was very chuzpadik to me.

Help! How can I restore peace in the family? What should I say to all the parties involved? Will we ever be “together” again?

Changed Horses in Midstream

Dear Changed Horses,

Reading your letter, certain things stand out. It might be just a feeling, but it seems to me that the problems you’re having with your family don’t stem from religious observance at all. I don’t think these are new problems. This is something that started way before your move and the new mitzvos you have taken on.

Of course, I understand your feelings. It sounds as though you became more religious because you wanted to fit into your new community. You wanted your children not to be ashamed of you in front of teachers, friends’ parents, etc. Israel is a very, very different culture. If you were living in Baltimore, you would fit in no matter what you had on your head. But in Israel, things are polarized. It’s very difficult there to maintain friendships with people from different walks of life, because you are judged by the people with whom you associate.

Your family’s resistance might come from the way you made these changes. It sounds as though you went off in your own direction, without including your husband in your decisions. I think this conflict has more to do with your attitude than with the religious issues. If there was friction before, this just accentuated it.

The first thing to do is to try to reach with your husband. Validate his feelings, and communicate, communicate, communicate. You might need a lot of patience and time. You can’t jump from never wearing a head covering to all of a sudden wearing a sheitel all the time. Let it be natural. These are big steps.

Next, sit down with everyone and have a free-for-all discussion. Explain what you’re trying to do for the family, while emphasizing that the main thing you want is shalom (peace) among you. If it’s too intimidating for you to speak to the group, you can speak to each family member one on one. Try to understand their points of view. Maybe they think you did it too fast, with no concern for their opinions, or that you didn’t do it for bona fide reasons but for community acceptance.

When going into these discussions, it very important for you to empathize with – and validate – your family’s frustration and resistance to change. This was a sudden a shock to the system. Again, it was not the changes themselves; it was the way they were handled.

Will you ever be together again? There’s always hope that a family will be together, but when there is a lot of baggage from before, a lot of healing and mending has to take place. Anytime to you go into deep water, the horse has to be ready for it. You have an opportunity now to build love and respect. Before, everyone was on a different wavelength. Now you can not so much restore peace as bring peace. Pray that the whole family will find itself in a new culture, and that it should be a togetherness trip, taking into consideration each person’s attitudes from the past and in the present. Your attitude is the most important of all.

May Hakadosh Baruch Hu help you be a family in shleimus (wholeness), with love and respect for each other.

Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,

I have a tendency to judge other people. I’m always rating myself against the people I meet: I’m smarter, but she’s thinner. This one dresses like a slob. That one has a messy house. Another one doesn’t train her children to behave. Before I got married, I thought this was normal, something everyone does. It was my husband who pointed out to me that it’s not very nice. Since then, I’ve also heard in shiurim that we should try to look at everyone with a “good eye.” During the high holidays this year, I tried to focus on improving this midda. I would like to see the good in people, or at least accept them for who and what they are, without judgment, but I can’t seem to stop the critical side of myself. Even on Yom Kippur itself, I found myself observing the other women’s outfits and feeling slightly repelled by those who wore old or unstylish clothing.

I’m disappointed in myself, yet a part of me says, this is who I am. In a way, I feel it is important to have standards. Otherwise, why should you tell your children to tuck in their shirt or clean their room, if it doesn’t matter? Do you think I should keep trying to change? Or should I accept myself without judgment!? And if I should change, how does one do it?

Judgmental

Dear Judgmental,

You have come to a point where you realize that a midda (trait) you have had all your life does not correspond to the ideal you have learned. You want to change, but it’s very hard. And you wonder if you should keep trying to change or should just accept yourself.

I think a better approach is to realize that the two are not mutually exclusive: You should accept yourself and change – in that order. Know yourself and learn to like yourself, even if you see certain traits that you don’t like. And in your acceptance, be ready to make those changes that will help you be more content with yourself. Don’t worry about beating your breast. All of us have strengths and weaknesses. Accept who you are, but don’t focus on yourself so much.

Everyone should continuously try to reach higher. The trick is to not do everything at once. Take one midda at a time to work on; make one small change that will make you a better person. We all have to fight to keep the Satan from coming in. Sometimes you can do it by learning, sometimes by surrounding yourself with people you feel are on a higher level, sometimes by asking Hakadosh Baruch Hu (G-d) to help you become the person you want to become. But, first, before you can do any of this, you have to like yourself, because someone who doesn’t is frozen in his present state and can’t go further.

Yes, we can have standards. The problem comes when we expect others to meet our standards. If we want to stop being judgmental, it helps to remember that there are many ways of dressing and raising children, etc., that can be satisfactory. We have to look past other people’s ways, and even their faults, to realize that everybody is made in the tzelem Elokim (image of G-d), and deserves our utmost respect for that fact alone. I think that when you accept and respect yourself, you will find it easier to accept and respect others, and the changes you make will really be from within, not just external ones.

Remember the pasuk from Tehilim, and make it your motto: “Happy is the person who is satisfied with his portion.”

Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,

Is it proper to discipline someone else’s child – when the child’s mother is standing right there?

I have an acquaintance who is constantly doing this. If my child does something wrong – hits, throws something, takes the other child’s toy, all normal behavior for a three-year-old – she always finds it necessary to stick in her “two cents.” It doesn’t matter if I have already admonished my child. She will either wait until I am done, and then reiterate what I said, or she’ll just jump in right in the middle. Sometimes, she will say something before I even get the chance to!

This really bothers me. I believe that the way I handle my children is my business. Many times, I will choose only to stop my child from doing whatever it is she is doing wrong at the time and later, privately, will speak to her at greater length, so that I will not embarrass my child in front of other people. I also believe that many times, when a child acts up, they do not need a full-length spiel about what they did wrong. I am not excusing improper behavior, but when children this age play together, it is normal for some hitting, pushing, and toy taking to occur. Often, a simple “stop hitting” will suffice. There are only so many times a day that you can scold your child, in terms of the scolding’s effectiveness, and your own sanity.

I live in a neighborhood when there are, baruch Hashem, many young children, ranging in age from a few months to a few years. My child was at one time also one of the younger children around, and was hit, pushed, and had her toys taken away by an older child more times than I can count. Yet never once did I take it upon myself to discipline the “hitter.” I would pick up and comfort my own child, and whether the other child’s mother saw the incident and chose to do something about it or not was not my concern. (Let’s keep in mind here that we are talking about one- to four-year-olds; a kiss is enough to make any boo-boo go away.)

I think that parents are entitled to raise their children however they see fit. What my friend does is none of my business. If there is a mother I feel is too lax with her children, then I simply won’t arrange play dates with those children. It would never occur to me to keep going back to that person’s house and take it upon myself to teach her children what I believe is proper manners. Maybe she thinks I’m too strict with my kids! There are many different parenting methods out there, and no particular one is correct. Each child needs something different, and usually a parent is the best judge of what their child needs.

Minding My Own Business

Dear Minding My Own Business,

I think that you have articulated both the problem and the solution very well. As you put it, “There are many different parenting methods out there...and usually a parent is the best judge of what their child needs.” I would suggest that you convey to this particular mother, either by means of a note or face to face, that your method of disciplining your child is to speak to her privately you and that would appreciate it if she would desist from disciplining, or making any comments to, your child. (Make sure you are calm and in control when you do this.) End up by telling your acquaintance that you value her friendship and hope it continues for many years.

Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,

Why are some children sometimes not as nice to their parents as they are to strangers? I was a paid helper for the new mother. When the bris was over and all the guests had left, the new mother, in the presence of her own mother, turned to me and said, “We couldn’t have done it without you.” I replied, “Your mother did it all. She contacted the mohel and the caterer and made all the phone calls.”

I recently had words with my darling 35-year-old daughter, “mother of five,” and I asked her to speak nicely to me. She’s so nice to everybody. I want to be treated the same way.

Sensitive Mother

Dear Sensitive Mother,

It has been my experience that children instinctively talk nicer to people to whom they are not related. When you see that your children know to speak properly to others, consider it a compliment to yourself. Nevertheless, you might have more success with your daughter if you don’t put it as a complaint but, rather, as a simple request: “Please speak to me in a more pleasant tone.” Hopefully, the lesson will be understood. Best wishes.

Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,

My husband has terrible allergies in the spring. Despite the medication he takes, he persists in making a very unpleasant nasal sound that turns everybody off, especially at the dinner table. He doesn’t seem to realize how awful his snorting is for the rest of the family, to the point that the children don’t want to come to the table.

Allergies Have Taken Over Our Lives

Dear Allergies,

Let’s face it: spring is allergy time. Why not call your allergist and discuss it with him. There are many new medications now on the market that makes it quite likely that a solution can be found for both your suffering husband and the family.