Trust Fund

by Rabbi Dovid Hochberg, LCSW-C

Yes, you read the title of the article correctly. No, the topic is not financial planning.

This article is about trust: establishing it, earning it, and making the most of it in a productive and positive way with your children.

You may have noticed that trust can be a funny thing when it comes to children. It seems that any passing comment or careless thought that you expressed, without paying attention to what you were saying, becomes an ironclad, legally binding agreement in their eyes. You may have been in the middle of washing dishes when your daughter breezed through the kitchen, mumbling something about getting together with her friends. You may have mumbled something back as you reached for a towel. You can be certain that whatever you may have said (as long as it was in the affirmative) will come back to haunt you, even if you can’t even remember what it was that you agreed to! “But, Mom, you said...!” will ring through the house until you let her go.

Yet – and here is the strange part – it seems to work in the opposite manner when we ask children to do something. We can come up with what we believe to be a comprehensive agreement that covers all extenuating circumstances, but unfortunately, it is a lesson in futility. For example, your son may ask to go out on an afternoon when it is his turn to mow the lawn. You explain that he can’t go until he does his job, but he pleads that he will do it the minute he steps foot back in the house. You explain that if he doesn’t come back on time and mow the lawn, there will be a consequence. You decide on a reasonable time, lend him your cell phone so you can call and remind him when it is time to come home, go over the agreement several times to make sure it is clear, and off he goes.

It is a foolproof plan, right?

Perhaps. But it is not “childproof.”

Your son comes back an hour-and-a-half after he was supposed to, with an apologetic look on his face. He explains that it was impossible for him to come back on time, and although he knows it is too late for him to mow the lawn, he still shouldn’t be in trouble because…and he goes on to list several excuses and explanations in a dazzling display of unmatched creativity and sheer brilliance.

Apparently, children expect us to faithfully honor the most offhand comments made to them and, at the same time, try to maneuver out of agreements they made with us in the clearest and most understandable terms. (At the very least, it is a wake-up call for us to carefully watch what we say!) And that is exactly what they are supposed to do. They are children, after all.

So what should you do?

You should be open and honest about the fact that you think it is unfair. Tell them that if they expect you to honor your commitments to them (cite an example when you followed through on your agreement), you expect them to honor their commitments to you. Period. They may try to drag you into an argument about an individual situation or rationalize an explanation for why it wasn’t their fault. Don’t fall for it. Simply repeat that if they expect you to honor your word to them, you expect them to honor their word to you, and that is all you have to say about it. Leave the room if they continue to argue. Arguments usually don’t end productively.

The reason this technique works is because children really do understand the importance of honoring one’s word. They just try to push the envelope as far as they can until you draw the line or call them on it. They may be angry and frustrated, but that is okay. If they feel that way, it means that they understood your message and aren’t happy about it.

It also goes without saying that keeping your word is critical in maintaining a positive relationship with your children. If you find that you are agreeing to things and not honoring those agreements, the first step is to stop making agreements. This may create confrontation in the short term, because your child is used to getting an automatic yes, but in the long run, it is better for your relationship with your child. It is always better not to agree, than to agree and not follow through. If you find yourself being pressured to make a decision immediately, you should tell them, “If you need an answer right now, the answer is no. If you can give me 15 minutes to think about it, I may say yes.” This gives you a little time to think clearly about the situation so you can make the best decision. There is no rule that you have to make your decisions immediately. Remember, you don’t have to make the agreement, but if you do agree to something, it is extremely important to follow through.

There is another interesting thing about trust that I want to discuss: Trust seems to be a Catch-22. You don’t want to trust your child until he earns your trust, but if you don’t take the risk of trusting him, he will never be able to earn it. What are you supposed to do?

My experience has been that the following rule works well for both parents and children: Trust does not necessarily have to be earned initially, but it must be earned to be retained.

For example, your 10-year-old son asks if he can play on the computer for 10 minutes before he cleans his room for Shabbos. You know that he is responsible and usually keeps his word. However, he can get really caught up in the game, and it becomes next to impossible to pull him away. You reluctantly agree that he can play for 10 minutes, but he must come immediately when you call him.

Forty minutes and much frustration later, he is still on the computer. You finally go over and threaten to turn it off unless he cleans up his room now. He apologizes for not coming right away, but he couldn’t just stop the game in the middle because…

You took the risk of initially trusting your son, and that was good parenting. You entrusted him with the responsibility to earn and maintain your trust based on his actions. That is how children learn and grow.

However, in order for trust to be retained, it must be earned. And he certainly didn’t earn yours. He made a poor choice and there should be consequences for that poor choice. You may decide not to let him use the computer for two days or not allow him to play on it before he does his job.

But let’s look at what happened. You took a risk and trusted your child. He made some choices and you responded to his choices. Your son learned a life lesson about responsibility, consequences, trust, and choices. Talk about a parenting moment!

Here are some tips and thoughts that may be helpful when trusting your children:

1. You will have to make this decision based on your particular child and the situation, but it is usually okay to let children try something new for the first time, as long as you make your expectations clear. Remember, initial trust cannot be earned; you have to take a risk by giving your child the responsibility to safeguard the gift of your trust. Subsequent trust should be earned and if your child does earn it, he should be entrusted with more responsibility.
2. Parenting requires risk-taking; it is part of the job description. If you are finding it difficult to trust your children, ask yourself if your hesitation comes from their actions or your fears? If their actions dictate that they deserve more trust and responsibility, take a deep breath and give it to them.
3. Try to be as clear and up front as possible when making an arrangement with your child. What exactly are your expectations for your son? How should your daughter demonstrate that she can be trusted? Are you prepared to accept excuses and explanations, or not? Are you willing to give second chances? Obviously, you will not cover every situation, but try to be as open as possible when you are first making the agreement. It will make things easier for you later on.
4. Once you have made the agreement, allow him to make the responsible choices, but understand that the choice is his. Your role is to follow through based on his actions.

Rabbi Dovid Hochberg, LCSW-C, is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice and an instructor for the Torah Umesorah F.E.L.T. parenting course. He can be reached at 443-677-8561. Visit his website, www.jewishparenting.org, for parenting guidance and his ebook, “Dear Rabbi: Questions and Answers for Today’s Teenagers.”