Growing Up Is Hard to Do

by Aviva Weisbord, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist

Dear Dr. Weisbord,

First of all, I wanted to tell you that I really enjoy reading your column. Your advice makes so much sense and is a pleasure to read. With that preface, I would like to ask your advice.

I have been back from seminary for almost a year, and I really don’t know what to do. My friends and I are getting so nervous. It's very hard to get names of boys to go out with. And even when we do hear that a young man is looking into us, it doesn’t always end up working out.

We want to be optimistic, but then we see how many older single girls there are. Each of us, in her heart is wondering: Will I be one of those people who end up not getting married at all? We’re davening and doing the best we can, but we’re not getting names. 

How can we stay positive and optimistic and, at the same time, realistic? We feel so much pressure to get married that I think some girls would even agree to be engaged to people who aren’t necessarily the best for them – just because they don’t want to be single! We try to have bitachon and realize that everything is for the best, but as time goes by with very little action, it’s really hard to remember that.

How would you respond to someone who is overwhelmed from the whole situation? And how can my friends and I be michazek (strengthen) ourselves during this time?

Thank you so much.

Sincerely,

Nervous about Shidduchim

Dear Nervous About Shidduchim,

Thank you for your compliment about this column. It's a good feeling to know that someone is reading it and enjoying it!

Your question addresses a very serious matter. I'm feeling somewhat inadequate trying to respond to you when I myself am, b”H, married and do not have the personal experience that older singles have. I'm relying on my life experiences, and on living through these situations with many people, but I make no claim to have a complete answer for you. Rather, I'd like to present a few points for you and your friends to consider and discuss.

All of us worry. We worry about shidduchim, we worry about parnassa, we worry about family members, health, jobs, relationships, terror attacks, and every other aspect of life. The root of our worries is not appreciating that there is a Creator Who loves us and really knows what He’s doing.

Each of us has a purpose for being here, and our life's task is to allow this purpose to unfold and then fulfill the job that Hashem has in mind for us. The problem begins when we think we could do a better job “if only.” “If only I earned more each year – certainly I could give more tzedaka.” “If only I’d be married by my 20th birthday, for sure I could do so many more mitzvos!” and so on and so forth. When we play the “if only” game, we fail to realize or accept that our plans are not necessarily Hashem’s plans, that our challenge is to follow His plan, even when we don’t like all its features and details.

This means that whatever situation we are in, that';s the place He wants us to be. If it’s a joyful place, we should appreciate it and thank Hashem for His kindness. If it's painful, then we need to work harder to be joyful and to learn how to deal with that pain.

There are several things that you and your friends can do. First and foremost, live fully every day. Avoid putting your life on hold because you don’t know how long you’ll be in town. If you’re planning to go to school, sign up and begin your program. Accept the job offer that looks right; anyone hiring you knows there’s a risk (what a lovely risk!) of “losing” you to a young man.

Get involved with a chesed project, a regular class or shiur, an exercise program. Make sure you get together with friends on a regular basis. Every day we’re alive is a gift. Dovid Hamelech says, “This is the day Hashem made, let us rejoice in it.” He gave you today to use, to live fully, to appreciate, and to maximize. Live your life day by day in the here and now. I saw a sign once that said, “Yesterday is history; tomorrow is mystery; today is a gift – that’s why it’s called the present.” Use the gift that Hakadosh Baruch Hu has given you and that He renews each and every day.

Second, do some networking. Find a married woman, preferably with some experience, and let her know who you are, what you’re looking for, and the kind of life you would like to establish. When people invite you for a Shabbos meal, accept the invitation graciously. As people see you and talk to you, they begin thinking about “setting you up.” Keep yourself in circulation, even if it’s an effort for you. (If you need a break, take one for one to three weeks.)

Think about your friends who are in the same boat as you are. If a date doesn’t work out, do you have someone in mind that might be a better match? Helping someone who has the same needs as you can be difficult emotionally, but also very satisfying. And according to Chazal, it’s an excellent way to help yourself!

Make sure to speak with someone you respect throughout the dating process. An objective person will help you figure out if you’re thinking seriously about a young man because he’s for you or because you’re afraid you won’t ever get married.

Many times I hear people tell young women your age that “this is best time of your life.” Maybe so, but it’s also a time of uncertainty, of difficult decisions, of emotional roller coasters. You can use this time of your life to worry, or you can use it to grow: to deepen your bitachon, to work on your middos and your relationships, to become more and more of who you truly are.

Let Hashem do the rest.