Letters to the Editor
To the Editor,
Over the last few years, the number of young families has, B'H, grown tremendously in Ranchleigh. It's a beautiful neighborhood and up until recently, a safe and quiet one.
The influx of so many families has brought a lot more carpooling to the area. You can hear a steady stream of car horns from as early as 6:45 a.m., which is extremely disturbing. So please, before you press on your horn, think twice. Think about the retired people who do not have to be up early in the morning. Think about the parents who have been up all night with a sick child and are just trying to snatch a few minutes sleep. Think about the babies who are still sleeping. It doesn't take much to set up your carpool in a way that the kids are waiting for you at the door and you don't need to sound your horn at all.
Since the opening of Bais Yaakov on Smith Avenue, Edenvale Road has been used as a cut-through by many parents. Many times I've seen drivers speeding along the road. Please remember that this is a neighborhood full of children, ba'h, many of whom play in their front yards and on the sidewalk. The speed limit is 30 mph; please keep within it. Thank you.Sincerely,
A Concerned Parent
To the Editor,
Everyone knows that the singles situation is a hard one. There are more and more single girls, young and older, who aren't getting names of boys they can go out with. This topic has been discussed many times, and many people are hoping to change the whole system. People want to do new things in the hope that the situation will improve.
Although I definitely agree that the situation must change and it's wonderful that people are trying to make big changes, but I think that big things are hard to do. Why not start with little things? If each person tries to think about the boys and girls he or she knows, and sets them up with each other, that could help a lot. It's always more exciting to make a big change, to alter the entire situation. But each and every one of us can do our part in helping more singles find their beshert.
I think that the problem is that people are relying too much on shadchanim. Shadchanim are human and cant necessarily help everyone who goes to meet them. Some shadchanim are almost impossible to reach because everyone is depending on them.
Remember, Hashem is the One who is being mezaveg zivugim. And if we try to set up shidduchim, then we are actually becoming partners with Hashem. So instead of trying to change the whole system, or being depressed about it, take action. May we be zocheh to see many more people begin to build a bayis ne'eman beyisrael.
A Local Single
To the Editor,
I want to preface this letter by saying that many of you may not agree with what I am about to say. Some of you may want to rationalize what's going on, or maybe become agitated about it, while others will appreciate my attempt to make their situation a tad more bearable.
I am writing to inform the community about the travesty that is befalling its young women but also as an expression of my own personal frustration. I am about to give you an honest and blunt description of what is going on before your eyes. I want to open people' s eyes to what they are doing. This information comes from my personal experiences, from friends and family on all sides of the frumkeit spectrum, and from countless stories that singles have told me in order to vent their frustration with the system.
Shidduchim! It's all we ever talk about. And the topic is discussed in such a way that all semblance of tznius is completely obliterated. It has become an open forum that can only be called crass and nosy. I have had people come up to me at weddings, in shul during davening, and even at the gym, asking me what I am looking for and what I have been up to lately. (There is a time and a place for everything, and when these are not considered, it leaves a bad ta'am in our mouths.) Not one of these people has offered a legitimate shidduch. Many of their questions have been an insult to my character and a blow to my self-confidence and self-esteem.
Where has the sensitivity gone? You see, my friends and I don't discuss how much money your husband makes or what grades your kids are getting in school. But, in the pursuit of shidduchim, things have evolved to the point where anyone, it seems, is privy to the details of our lives. It is all of a sudden okay to discuss the chesed that do or don't do, whether that chesed is in or out of our homes, and what shiurim we do or don't attend.
Is all this discussion truly to help the growing number of singles in our community? Or is it simply an excuse to talk? I say to the members of our community: Please think before you discuss an individual with a group of people. Ask yourself, will this truly help this particular young woman find her bashert?
Even when a shidduch is suggested, I am faced with the troubling question, which many of my friends ask themselves, as well: Is this the way people perceive me? Am I so pathetic that this boy, who is truly not nogea (appropriate), would actually be considered a good shidduch for me? At this point, my mother tells me the line she has repeated many times: There are three types of shidduchim: one that is good shidduch for the boy, one that is a good shidduch for the girl, and one that is a good shidduch for both. We are looking for the third.
I have a request - no, let me call it a plea - that I believe singles from all over Baltimore will be thanking me for: Please, only redt (suggest) shidduchim if you have met both parties. Please don't throw out names like a deck of cards, so we have to pray that maybe we will land the ace of spades, the one decent guy in the entire bunch. Even if we do get the ace, he is probably inaccessible, has a list two miles long, or is looking for major money. So, please don't tell me about this guy until he says "yes". We girls have been pecked and prodded for far too long. We have begged and pleaded, stalked and nagged, all to date a boy we don't know and whom we probably won't even like. We go after this boy because someone told us that he would be perfect, famous last words to anyone in my position. The last "perfect" guy I went out with screamed at me when I gave him slightly different directions on the way home from the Renaissance Hotel. But, you see, this really was not the fault of the shadchan. As she informed me after the date, while she knew me rather well, she had never actually met this boy.
We girls are tired and becoming bitter at far too young an age. We have been advised, I believe it was in this publication, to keep a resume on hand, just in case someone may have a shidduch for us. I would like to ask a question: Do the bachurim in Ner Israel walk around with their resumes tucked into their gemaras, just in case? We are told that we must look our best at all times, because who knows who may be watching us. We have thus been robbed the luxury of running into Seven Mile Market on a hectic erev Shabbos to buy some extra yeast or sugar because we are wearing a jeans skirt and lack the appropriate make-up. This is the advice people are giving us in order to cope or deal with our situation. So, although I don't actually have a remedy for the shidduch problem, I hope that you will consider what I have told you and think twice before you redt a shidduch.
Oh yeah, and the next time you are at a wedding and see a single girl standing in the back of Beth Tfiloh, please refrain from looking her up and down. Get the thought out of your head that she may be good for your cousin's sister-in-law's neighbor, and simply enjoy the wedding. Thank you.
A Single
To the Editor,
The last issue of the WWW published a letter to the editor written by a woman who described a wedding in New York that she attended, where marriage-minded individuals had the opportunity to meet and enjoy a meal together while looking their best and sharing in the segula of a great simcha. This was accomplished by arranging for tables where only single men and women sat. The question we ask is why should people have to rely on an innovative wedding party to meet people in a frum setting? A solution to the "epidemic proportions" of the shidduch situation can be found right here in town on a regular basis.
A new organization, Segulah, has been formed to facilitate the interaction of marriage-minded individuals in the Baltimore community. We thought, why not organize monthly Shabbos dinners hosted by local families that would include four or six singles on their guest list. After a brief interview, they will be designated to a Shabbos meal based on age and hashkafic leanings. Guests will have the opportunity to converse with potential partners without the usual pressures of a first date. Being in the safety of someone's home can also strengthen conversation skills that can then be applied to a conventional date. When two people express interest in each other, Segulah's staff will arrange the redting process. These Shabbos meals will be completely free to all singles, hopefully encouraging participation.
Half of Baltimore's Jewish community is comprised of newcomers. Many twenty-something people have moved to the area for graduate school or a profession, and often do not have the time to make connections in the community. Some do not even have a place to go for a Shabbos meal, and often end up eating alone or with a roommate. Some people are very shy, and because of that may refuse Shabbos invitations. Some may have had bad experiences with shadchanim. These meals are, we believe, a no-lose proposition. Those who do not find their bashert may have at least enjoyed great conversation, great food, and the spirit of Shabbos. Since these meals will be scheduled monthly, singles can continue to try their luck and meet new and different people. We also encourage families to sign up to participate in this project as hosts. Their guests will add ruach to the table, and perhaps they will be zocheh to have caused two people to unite in marriage. Or you can call us at 410-764-6129, mail box 4 (Menachem) or 443-622-0979 (Sharona).
Menachem Lishkovich
Sharona Kadish
To the Editor,
Baltimore is a wonderful community, and everything I am about to write in this letter is not meant as a criticism, but just something to think about. I was recently involved in a shidduch. I met the boy twice and we got along well as soon as we met. There was chemistry and a mutual respect. It was amazing how quickly we were able get to know each other. I was impressed with him from the start, and he was impressed with me. We both enjoyed our time together, and I was excited to go out again.
But his family was bothered by some information that they heard when they were checking us out. The things that they heard weren't major, they weren't about me, and some of them were rumors with no truth to them, but when you're looking for a shidduch for your son, you want to be absolutely sure that he will enter into a good situation. And when you hear things when you're checking someone out, you have to take them very seriously, because you don't want to regret it in the future.
So, after the first two dates we were waiting to find out what would happen next. The family was busy looking into us as much as they could. And then we heard that the boy said no. He really wanted to go out with me again, but after the rumors that his family heard, he knew that the shidduch wouldn't work out. Even if we tried to work it out, he realized that his family wouldn't be able to accept me, and he didn't want to put me in that position.
Obviously, it was min hashamayim that it shouldn't work out. It's hard to see it right now, but, hopefully, in the future we will be able to see how it was all for the best. But I think that we can see from this story how powerful words are. A few words that people said -or didn't say- are what made the difference. I think it's very important that people should be extremely careful about what they say when people call for shidduchim. Learn the halachos of lashon hara as they apply to shidduchim. Find out how much you can say and how much you can't. I can't overemphasize how important it is to know what to say. Shidduchim are very complicated, and although sometimes it's very important that certain information be told, find out how much you can say and how much you can't.
The power of words is incredible. You have no idea what a few words can or cannot do. So the next time you have something to say about someone, think about how you would feel if someone said that about you. Words are what make us different from animals and other creatures. Words can elevate people and help us become closer to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Use words to build ? not to destroy.
Sincerely,
Young Single
To the Editor,
I must take strong exception to Paula Weinstein’s characterization of men as buying too much food just because it’s on sale, in her article “Metzios; Bargain-Hunting Fever. It is, rather, simply a matter of taking advantage of low prices at a time when there is no immediate need instead of waiting for a crisis and paying a higher price – in other words, good planning.
I would have responded sooner, but our issue of Where What When was misplaced among 15 boxes of cereal.
David Gerstman
To the Editor,
I am writing this letter in reference to the woman (“Trying But Still Frustrated” in the March/Purim issue) who wrote about the constant flow of meshulachim in our community.
I totally understand: I come home from a hard day at work and look forward to sitting down at the dinner table with my wife and children and enjoying a hot meal. I then hear a knock at the door. As one child goes to answer it, I must get up from the table and interrupt our family dinner and conversations. Another child offers a drink and serves it to him, while I, the head of the household, must sit with the gentleman for a couple of minutes, sometimes much longer, listening to his woes before giving up my hard earned money. Meanwhile, my meal has gotten cold, and I must resolve to eat it cold or reheat it if I have time.
Is our generation so egocentric that we feel this way? Have we descended to such a level that we can’t look at the meshulachim and say, “Thank you, Hashem,” that we have enough money – that we can be the givers and not the receivers? Do you think that they enjoy leaving their family behind to go collecting from door to door in all types of weather and in foreign cities?
Our Torah tells us that there were cities that felt they had had enough of this same “overbearing” problem of helping the poor and needy; they were tired of constantly distributing money to help them. These cities solved their problem and flourished – if only for a while. They were called Sdom and Amorah.
With great disappointment in some of my dear brothers and sisters,
Sincerely yours,
An Interested Frum Jew
To the Editor,
I am writing to address a problem in the frum
We began searching for a simple three-bedroom house within the frum community: with frum neighbors and within walking distance to a shul. We learned that there are very few houses at that price. Most of the housing prices were close to $200,000 or even more! We looked at many small, semidetached houses and were told that the price was $225,000 or even $250,000 because of the desirable and popular neighborhood. We saw a tiny, old house with only two bedrooms in the midst of the frum community. I immediately called the number on the For Sale sign, and was told that the house was selling for $225,000 and no less. All the houses we have found that were to our liking are way out of our budget.
A few months ago, I spoke to a young woman in her 30s. She mentioned that most of her friends already owned houses. She and her family were still living in a rented apartment because the houses were just too expensive. Although my husband and I have been married for less than two years, we realize the necessity of a house for our growing family, and do not want to be stuck in a rented apartment.
Recently, I spoke to a real estate agent who works for a well-known real estate company in
There are many other people in the same situation as ours, and the number of potential home buyers just keeps going up. When they do find a small house they are able, with difficulty, to collect the money to acquire, they will be in debt for the rest of their lives to pay off the mortgage to the bank. Is that the kind of future we want for our young people?
We need to think of the future of the
More action should be taken on increasing the borders of the
I hope people will reply to my letter in this column with options and suggestions to assist young people to purchase houses without having to be in debt for many years to come.
Thank you,
Stuck in a Rented Apartment