A Letter from Never-Never Land

My eating disorder crept up on me about a year ago and caught me, unsuspecting, in its powerful hold. It started out innocently enough as a minor health problem, and then escalated, within weeks, to full-blown anorexia. Ironically, I was one of the last people to recognize that I had an eating disorder. I knew that I had practically every symptom of anorexia, because I had read plenty of books about eating disorders. But that didn't scare me in the slightest, because I felt as though I were reading about someone else, not me. Denial is one of the biggest obstacles to overcome for people with eating disorders. I wasn't thinking rationally, and most of the people I have talked to say that they weren't scared for themselves, because they didn't really believe that they an eating disorder. That's why, the majority of the time, it's up to the people closest to the sick person to force, or convince, the person to get help.

A friend of mine, who was struggling with an eating disorder said, "I don't want to recover, because when people hear that I used to have an eating disorder, instead of realizing what I overcame, they will look down on me for doing such awful things" The world, starting with this community, needs to be educated. They need to know that someone with an eating disorder is not just struggling physically with a medical problem but that it is an emotional fight as well. And when someone recovers from an eating disorder, they need kindness and support, compassion and understanding. They should not to be judged by what they used to do. And please, don't say, "Wow, you look like you've put on a lot of weight."

Once I recovered, I had a strong desire to help others overcome their eating disorders. Through this article, I hope to convey several messages. I want someone with an eating disorder to realize that she will be a unique individual, even more so after she gives up her eating disorder. I want people to know that life is better, happier, and more fun, without these time consuming obsessions. I want them to look forward to a happier and healthier future, and to know that this is not beyond their reach. Finally, I want then to know that if I, a teenage girl, can overcome an eating disorder, than they can do it, too.

My Message To the Sufferers Out There

What can I tell you that will make you see the truth? What can I say that will open your eyes to the havoc you are wreaking on your body? People have tried to scare you. They tell you that you will lose your hair, that your muscles with wither, and that your period will stop. But it doesn't work. Someone so entrenched in obsessions about her body and her weight feels invincible. She thinks think, this can never happen to me. She claims, "I feel fine," when in reality, she can't walk up a flight of stairs without feeling lightheaded and out of breath. Another approach is to educate you about food, nutrition, and self-esteem. You hear what they say and you can preach it to others but you won't, or can't, take it to heart.

It is time to look at another aspect of eating disorders, such as the consequences of this self-imposed destruction. People with eating disorders are so caught up in the present, so preoccupied with their bodies, that they don't think about the long-term effects of their actions. And I'm not talking about health problems.

Take going into the hospital. I was in the hospital for six weeks in the summer. Not only did I miss out on the best six weeks of the year but I had to quit my summer job, I couldn't go on any vacations, and I couldn't do any of the fun, summer activities that any normal teenager does. When tryouts for our major school production came around, I was not allowed to try out for dance because I was restricted by my doctors from any sort of exercise. In the end, I didn't get to be in the production at all because I was hospitalized again. So, you see, you miss out on a ton when you're sick. You feel disconnected from your friends, thinking that they couldn't understand you in a million years, which is probably true. You might think, why can't I just be like all other "normal teens" and do things like as having pizza with my friends? But think logically: Who is the one making you different? Yourself.

Looking further ahead to seminary can be very depressing to someone with an eating disorder. How could any mother, father, or doctor in his or her right mind let a child who can't even take care of herself at home go off on her own for a year to a place where the temptations to practice destructive behavior are even higher. Think about this: People with eating disorders are like small children; they need constant care and help just to keep them alive. (It should scare you that you are 16- or 17-year-old who, if left alone, would eventually kill yourself, either by starvation or heart attack. Eating disorders are a slow form of suicide, whether or not we want to admit it.)

Anyway, imagine all your friends flying off to seminary to learn, tour, and make new friends, while you stay at home to fight with yourself over every calorie. Imagine the feelings of loneliness and shame when people ask you why you aren't in seminary like everyone else.

If you can, think even further ahead to shidduchim. We may joke about this topic now, but sooner or later it will become a reality. What kind of guy wants a girl who is so obsessed with her physical beauty that she harms herself to achieve the (impossible) ideal American female body type? Who wants a girl who spends so much time thinking about how much she is going to eat, or how much she is not going to eat that they can't concentrate on anything else? Who wants to eat dinner with someone who dices and chops up her food into minuscule pieces? Who is so preoccupied with the number of calories in her chicken that she can't carry on a decent conversation? Who, perhaps, eats all her food and then disappears to force herself to throw up right after?

All this could happen. But this does not mean that you need to lose all hope of finding a shidduch if you have an eating disorder. Think about it this way: What guy would not want a girl who has proved her strength by freeing herself from the grasp of one of the most controlling diseases known to mankind? What greater way is there to display your self-control than by conquering the eating disorder that tried to take over your body and soul? Hey, I want someone like that!

Now think as far ahead as you possible can to when, G-d willing, you have children. One horrible, frightening thought that plagued me was what if I placed so much value on being thin that I withheld necessary nutrients from my children. How could I live with myself if I knew I had created eating disorders in my children? Or what about the opposite extreme? Some people indulge their children with all the foods they are restricting from themselves, thus creating in their children a habit of bingeing. When I was deep into my eating disorder, the thought of having kids terrified me. If I couldn't take care of myself, how could I be responsible for other human beings? And do you want your children to know you as someone who is always on a diet? Or as someone who won't eat dessert because "dessert makes you fat"?

If you thinking that you are different from all the rest, that you are only 17 and won't still have this sickness when you are having kids, how can you explain all of the girls in their 20s who were in the hospital with me? They acquired their eating disorders when they were my age, they never imagining it would escalate into something like this.

Some of you are probably thinking that you will just act like this for a while and then stop when you are ready. That way of thinking is sure to backfire, because not only does the recovery process take months, sometimes years, but once you are diagnosed with an eating disorder, it takes an excruciatingly long time to gain back the trust of your parents and doctors. I was not allowed to exercise for six months for fear it would become obsessive. It was extremely frustrating not be able to go to chagigas, gym class, or other sports events. Can you imagine the mortification I felt when a teacher who was aware of my situation pulled me out of a class machanayim game and said, "Stop! You can't play." This next point may seem like an advantage, but it really bothered me that when my family was struggling to bring in heavy packages from the car, all I could do was hold the door open. And for the longest time I had to plan every meal a day before I ate it. How annoying is that?

I had one friend who was extremely sick. She shared the following story with me: After abusing her body for years, she went into cardiac arrest. While her limbs were twitching and she was gasping for breath, she got hungry. And she thought to herself, "It's too late. I've brought myself this far and now that I'm about to die, I'm hungry and I want something to eat and it's just too late." Don't wait until it's too late. Do something now before anything happens that you will really regret.

It takes time to recover; it doesn't happen overnight. And don't let anyone tell you that it's easy, because recovering from an eating disorder was probably one of the hardest things I'll ever do. It takes months and months of hard work, determination, and tears before you can actually break free. One thing you must learn is how not to let little slips turn into devastating relapses. As one of my mentors put it, recovery is like a mountain with the goal at the top. It's extremely hard to get to, and it seems like you've been climbing forever. You're cold and tired, and sometimes you trip and fall "and we all have our trips and falls" but you just have to get up and keep on moving. You need to remind yourself that one step backwards isn't going to hurt in the long run, as long as you stop right away and start moving in the right direction.

There's something called black-and-white, or all-or-nothing, thinking. It's when you think in extremes, such as, "I'm doing great" or "I'm doing horribly," without making room for the shades of gray in between, such as "I'm having a rough day, but things will start looking up soon." If you have one bad meal or one bad day, don't let it ruin the rest of your day; instead, congratulate yourself on all the things that went right that day.

One major reason I decided to recover was that I wanted to be an eating disorder survivor rather that an eating disorder sufferer. In the beginning I actually thought it was cool when people would say, "Ewww, you are so disgustingly skinny" But towards the middle of my recovery, I came to the realization that it would be so much "cooler" if people would look at me and think, "Wow! Look at what she has accomplished, look how strong she is." And that is exactly what happened. I have had so many people tell me what an amazing thing I have done by beating this disease. I have one friend who also suffered from an eating disorder. Every time we talk, she says, "You are such an inspiration to me. You are so strong." Every time she says that, I feel like a million dollars.

Two dominant contributors to eating disorders are the need for attention and the desire for control. Here's what I feel about the attention aspect. The way a person with a suspected eating disorder is treated in our school is, in my opinion, extremely detrimental. Not only does she have classmates talking to her teachers and calling her parents, she also has her friends talking and worrying about her behind her back. In some cases, this might be just what the girl is hoping for, and treating her this way may feed into her eating disorder. If you suspect your friend has a problem, the best way to handle the situation is to make sure a parent or professional is involved, and leave it at that, unless told otherwise by someone knowledgeable. Once a person is under professional care, her friends can support her simply by being there for her and loving her unconditionally no matter what mood swings she may go through or whatever shocking actions she may do.

The main question I am asking here is how can people get positive attention in this community without being the skinniest or the sickest? I'd like to testify to the fact that you don't need to be skinniest or the sickest to be happy or to feel good about yourself. Having an eating disorder takes up an extraordinary amount of energy. Why not take that energy and channel it towards something positive, like extracurricular activities, chesed, or recovery? The positive attention and feedback you can receive from excelling in these areas is more satisfying and meaningful than any negative attention you could ever get. One hundred years from now, do you want to be remembered as the "skinny girl"or as the "smart/funny/cheerful/courageous girl"? Personally, I'd pick the latter.

Now, some of you are probably thinking, "But I'm not smart, funny, cheerful… the only thing I know how to be is skinny." Chances are you not in touch with your inner self enough to recognize your good character traits. Many times, the eating disorder thoughts running through your mind will block out your positive qualities and push the negative ones to the front. This can most definitely be worked on and improved during the recovery process. When I first went into the hospital, someone suggested an exercise; I was to write down all my good qualities. I tried numerous times, but somehow, every time I tried, my "good" list turned into a list of all my "bad" qualities, which were mostly untrue. It took about a month of treatment before I was able to write a decent-sized list, and when I was done, I felt really accomplished. Keep in mind, recognizing your good qualities isn't bragging; it's honesty.

Let's get back to the need for control. I know it played a huge role in my eating disorder. Sometimes, a teenager feels as though her life is getting out of control. School is extremely stressful; our relationships with our parents, friends, and siblings can be tense; and our bodies are changing against our will. This makes some people feel that they can't continue in life without having control over at least something. So they decide that one thing they can control is their weight and their food intake. The first few healthy resolutions, like resolving to exercise or not to overeat may actually be self-control, but when those resolutions go to dangerous extremes, they have lost all control – it has been given over to the eating disorder.

The tricky part is that the individual caught in the eating disorder doesn't always recognize that. She is convinced that she could eat if she wanted to, and that she could stop purging if she wanted to. What I'd like to say to those of you who haven't yet sunk so deep and who still have some measure of control is to get help now, before you lose it all. Reach out before the eating disorder becomes a raging monster, trying to take over your mind. Trust the people that tell you that if you stop your eating disorder behavior, you will be exhibiting more control that any of your friends could ever imagine.

The first step in recovery is deciding that you want to get better. But recovery is such a hard thing to do that even if you have made that decision, it might seem impossible at times. There will be times when you'll be sitting with your head in your hands, or with tears streaming down your face; times when you feel as if your heart is being ripped to pieces; times when your most sincere wish is to cease your existence; times when you would rather throw away all the hard work and progress you have made in recovery for the destructive comfort of your eating disorder. But be strong, because you can get past this. One of my favorite quotes is "Tough times never last, tough people do". When you are going through a hard time, you may be positive that it will last forever, but trust me, it won't.

My doctor once made a suggestion that at the time I deemed outrageous. He said "why don't you give up your eating disorder for a year, gain the weight, stop obsessing. See how you like, and if you don't, you can always lose the weight again at the end of the year. "It easier said than done, but look at the logic in it. Try recovery, you'll see, it's a better way of life. Once you are recovered for a while, you won't want to go back.

Take recovery one step at a time, and rejoice by each victory along the way, no matter how small. Rejoice the first time you can look in a mirror and smile… the first time you wear a shirt tucked in and don't feel so self-conscious… the first time you eat something not strictly in your food plan… the first time you laugh so hard your sides hurt… the food time someone comments on your "healthy" appearance and you smile and say "thanks" without translating the word "healthy", to mean "fat".

Develop a support system made up of parents, doctors, friends, teachers, your Rabbi, mentors, or siblings, and rely on them as much as you need. Develop a connection with G-d and trust Him to help you through this Believe in yourself and believe that one day, you will look back on this and smile, and say "Look how far I've come"

Wishing you all the best, A survivor